Sex can be a powerful emotional experience and a great
tool for protecting or improving health, and it's certainly not only for the
young. Sex over the age of 50 can present challenges, and you may feel
discouraged by issues connected with the aging process, but these problems are
not insurmountable. With better understanding and an open mind, you can
continue to enjoy a physically and emotionally fulfilling sex life—it's not a
question of age, but of desire.
The need for intimacy is ageless. And studies now confirm
that no matter what your gender, you can enjoy sex for as long as you wish.
Naturally, sex at 70 or 80 may not be like it is at 20 or 30—but in some ways
it can be better. As an older adult, you may feel wiser than you were in your
earlier years, and know what works best for you when it comes to your sex life.
Older people often have a great deal more self-confidence and self-awareness,
and feel released from the unrealistic ideals of youth and prejudices of
others. And with children grown and work less demanding, couples are better
able to relax and enjoy one another without the old distractions.
For a number of reasons, though, many adults worry about
sex in their later years, and end up turning away from sexual encounters. Some
older adults feel embarrassed, either by their aging bodies or by their
“performance,” while others are affected by illness or loss of a partner.
Without accurate information and an open mind, a temporary situation can turn into
a permanent one. You can avoid letting this happen by being proactive. Whether
you’re seeking to restart or improve your sex life, it’s important to be ready
to try new things, and to ask for professional help if necessary. There is much
you can do to compensate for the normal changes that come with aging. With
proper information and support, your later years can be an exciting time to
explore both the emotional and sensual aspects of your sexuality.
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Tips for better sex as you age: Accept and celebrate who
you are
Sex in later life may not be the same
as it was in your youth—but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, sex
can be more enjoyable than ever. As you find yourself embracing your older
identity, you can:
- Reap the benefits of experience. The independence and self-confidence that comes with age can be
very attractive to your spouse or potential partners. No matter your
gender, you may feel better about your body at 62 or 72 than you did at
22. And it is likely that you now know more about yourself and what makes
you excited and happy. Your experience and self-possession can make your
sex life exciting for you and your partner.
- Look ahead. As you age, try to let go of expectations for your sex life. Do
your best to avoid dwelling on how things are different. If you enjoyed an
active sex life in your younger years, there’s no reason to slow down with
age, unless you want to. A positive attitude and open mind can go a long
way toward improving your sex life as you age.
- Love and appreciate your older self. Naturally, your body is going through changes as you age. You look
and feel differently than you did when you were younger. But if you can
accept these changes as natural and hold your head up high, you’ll not
only feel better, you’ll also be more attractive to others. Confidence and
honesty garner the respect of others—and can be sexy and appealing.
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Tips for better sex as you age: Communicate with your
partner
As bodies and
feelings change as you grow older, it’s more important than ever to communicate
your thoughts, fears, and desires with your partner. Encourage your partner to
communicate fully with you, too. Speaking openly about sex may not come easily
to you, but improving your communication will help both of you feel closer, and
can make sex more pleasurable.
Talking about sex
Broaching the subject of sex can be
difficult for some people, but it should get easier once you begin. And as an
added bonus, you may find that just talking about sex can make you feel sexy. Try
the following strategies as you begin the conversation.
- Be playful. Being playful can make communication about sex a lot easier. Use
humor, gentle teasing, and even tickling to lighten the mood.
- Be honest. Honesty fosters trust and relaxes both partners—and can be very
attractive. Let your partner know how you are feeling and what you hope
for in a sex life.
- Discuss new ideas. If you want to try something new, discuss it with your partner,
and be open to his or her ideas, too. The senior years—with more time and
fewer distractions—can be a time of creativity and passion.
- Modernize. You may belong to a generation in which sex was a taboo subject.
But talking openly about your needs, desires, and concerns with your
partner can make you closer—and help you both enjoy sex and intimacy.
A good sex
life—at any age—involves a lot more than just sex. It’s also about intimacy and
touch, things anyone can benefit from. Even if you have health problems or
physical disabilities, you can engage in intimate acts and benefit from
closeness with another person. Take the pressure off by putting aside your old
ideas of what sex “should be.” Focus instead on the importance of tenderness
and contact.
Taking your time
Without
pressing workloads or young children to worry about, many older adults have far
more time to devote to pleasure and intimacy. Use your time to become more
intimate.
- Stretch your experience. Start with a romantic dinner—or breakfast—before lovemaking. Share
romantic or erotic literature and poetry. Having an experience together,
sexual or not, is a powerful way of connecting intimately.
- Don’t be shy. Hold hands and touch your partner often, and encourage him or her
to touch you. Tell your partner what you love about him/her, and share
your ideas about new sexual experiences you might have together.
- Relax. Find something that relaxes both partners, whether it’s trying
massage or baths together. Relaxation fosters confidence and comfort, and
can help both erectile and dryness problems.
Expanding your definition of sex
Sexuality necessarily takes on a
broader definition as we age. Try to open up to the idea that sex can mean many
things, and that closeness with a partner can be expressed in many ways.
- It’s not just about intercourse. Sex can also be about emotional pleasure, sensory pleasure, and relationship pleasure. Intercourse is only one way to have fulfilling sex. Touching, kissing, and other intimate sexual contact can be just as rewarding for both you and your partner.
- Natural changes. As you age, it's normal for you and your partner to have different
sexual abilities and needs. Find new ways to enjoy sexual contact and
intimacy. You may have intercourse less often than you used to, but the
closeness and love you feel will remain.
You might not
be as comfortable with some sexual positions as you once were, but that doesn’t
mean you need to give up an activity that is pleasurable for you—and miss out
on feeling close to your partner. Keep in mind that it’s not all about
intercourse or recreating the way things were when you were younger. The key to
a great sex life is finding out what works for you now. Sex as you age may call
for some creativity. Use the following ideas as inspiration, but don’t be
afraid to come up with your own.
- Experiment. Try sexual positions that you both find comfortable and
pleasurable, taking changes into account. For men, if erectile dysfunction
is an issue, try sex with the woman on top, as hardness is less important.
For women, using lubrication can help.
- Expand what sex means. Holding each other, gentle touching, kissing, and sensual massage
are all ways to share passionate feelings. Try oral sex or masturbation as
fulfilling substitutes to intercourse.
- Change your routine. Simple, creative changes can improve your sex life. Change the
time of day when you have sex to a time when you have more energy. For
example, try being intimate in the morning rather than at the end of a
long day.
- Foreplay. Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused,
take more time to set the stage for romance, such as a romantic dinner or
an evening of dancing. Or try connecting first by extensive touching or
kissing.
- Playfulness. Being playful with your partner is important for a good sex life
at any age, but can be especially helpful as you age. Tease or tickle your
partner—whatever it takes to have fun. With the issues you may be facing
physically or emotionally, play
may be the ticket to help you both relax.
Some older
adults give up having a sex life due to emotional or medical challenges. But
the vast majority of these issues do not have to be permanent. You can restart
a stalled sex drive—and get your sex life back in motion. Remember that
maintaining a sex life into your senior years is a matter of good health. Try
thinking of sex as something that can keep you in shape, both physically and
mentally.
Understanding roadblocks
The path to satisfying sex as you age
is not always smooth. Understanding the problems can be an effective first step
to finding solutions.
- Emotional obstacles. Stress, anxiety, and depression can affect your interest in sex and your ability to become aroused. Psychological changes may even interfere with your ability to connect emotionally with your partner.
- Body image. As you notice more wrinkles or gray hair, or become aware of love
handles or cellulite, you may feel less attractive to your partner. These
feelings can make sex less appealing, and can cause you to become less
interested in sex.
- Low self-esteem. Changes at work, retirement, or other major life changes may leave you feeling temporarily uncertain about your sense of purpose. This can undermine your self-esteem and make you feel less attractive to others.
- Worry over “performance.” Worrying about how you will perform, or whether you are worthy of
sexual attention from your partner, can lead to impotence in men and lack
of arousal or orgasm in women. This may be a problem you have never before
had to face.
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Jumpstarting
your sex drive
Sex drives can
be naturally stalled as you face the realities of aging, but it is possible to
overcome these bumps in the road.
- Communicate. Talk to your partner, or to a friend or counselor, about your
issues, whether they’re physical or emotional. Explain the anxieties you
are feeling, ask for and accept reassurance, and continue the conversation
as things come up.
- Just “do it.” Sex is just as healthy and necessary as exercise and, just like
exercise, it may surprise you with pleasure and satisfaction—even if you
weren’t “in the mood.” So get back into practice. Once you’re back in the
habit, you’ll start to feel better and your sex drive should naturally
increase.
- Increase your activity level. Bumping up your general level of activity will benefit your sex
drive by increasing your energy and sense of well-being.
- Let it go. As much as you can, use your age and experience to be wise and
candid with yourself. Let go of your feelings of inadequacy and let
yourself enjoy sex as you age.
No matter what
your age, losing your desire for intimacy and touch altogether isn’t normal. In
fact, loss of interest or function may be signs of a medical problem—one that
may be best addressed by a doctor. If something is getting in the way of your
desire or ability to have a good sex life, don't let embarrassment keep you
from asking your doctor for help. Working with a professional, there is much
you can do to improve your sex life.
Keep in mind that anything that
affects your general health and well-being can also affect your sexual
function. Sexual health can be affected by:
- Medical conditions. Illnesses that involve the cardiovascular system, high blood
pressure, diabetes, hormonal problems, depression, or anxiety can affect
sex drive and function. You can talk to your doctor about strategies to
combat these issues.
- Medications. Certain medications can inhibit your sexual response, including
your desire for sex, your ability to become aroused and your orgasmic
function. You can talk to your doctor about switching to a different
medication with fewer sexual side effects.
- Nutritional
Diet which can elongate your sexual life and
desire to enjoy.
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